Photo by Jeff Nelson. I have no idea who the dog is.

1. Insist That You Know What You are Doing 

The first thing about being an awesome marketer is to claim that you know what you're doing. Not everyone knows that marketers are actually as dumb as bricks. As you may recall, that is why we ended up in this industry in the first place - no other faculty would have us. We can’t even get into Fine Arts because we can’t draw, paint, sculpt, write, sing or dance. 

Actually, that isn’t quite true. We can dance quite nicely, but not the kind of dancing that requires two feet. The kind of dancing that marketers do best is verbal. Some people even call it verbal jujitsu. This happens when we get caught doing nothing which is most of the time. Remember that we offer “marketing automation” - you take a few minutes to set it up and just like magic people are flocking to the landing page.  

By the way, if you claim that you know what you're doing, you will actually stand out. And everyone knows that being unique and standing out is one of the fundamentals of marketing.

If you do get caught, read points #2 - Use Jargon, or # 6 - Blame Others for Poor Results.

2. Use Jargon, All the Time 

When a client starts to ask you tough questions, the best thing to do is to dazzle them with terminology and impress them. (Again, use verbal jujitsu.) Use words like pixel, attribution, referrals, ROMI, and programmable ad scripts. Throw in a bunch of acronyms like CRM, CMS, PDF, and HiPPO. This is sure to impress them.

If your client dares to ask you to explain, just keep using jargon. Eventually, they will think that you are super smart and that they are the dumb ones. Look for the tipping point. Be patient. Wait for it. When they roll their eyes to the left you know that you have succeeded in dazzling them. They will stop asking questions, guaranteed. 

By the way, using fancy jargon is a hallmark of a profession. We aren’t a profession yet so brush up on your terms and use complex words as often as you can. 

3. Insist on a Huge Budget

The next thing to do to establish yourself as awesome is to insist on a huge budget. The bigger the better. This is critical to establishing credibility. Asking for a big budget makes it look like you know what you're doing and that you can handle big complex campaigns. Mention ROI in every conversation and email - a few times. You don’t actually need to calculate ROI - marketers don’t bother with stuff like that. But make the promise - that’s what works.

A few people know that the opposite is true. What you should do is start with a small budget, test the market and then work up to a bigger budget after the marketing, the channel and the message have been perfected. 

By the way, don’t tell anyone about that last point. You will spoil it for all the rest of us marketers who insist on starting with a big budget. 

4. Spend Budgets Fast

Along with the tactic of securing big budgets is to spend the money as soon as you get access. Let people (managers and owners) ask questions later - preferably much later.

Be ready for pushback. Your standard answer should be something like, “Of course, we spent the whole budget last week, we need to establish a beachhead quickly. It is critical to be first movers and secure initial ground.” Or make up something else. 

By the way, always be prepared for pushback. You can use points #1, #2, # 5 or # 6 to ease the pressure. 

5. Promise the World

Always start meetings and conversations by promising the world. Don't hold back. Insist that volumes of traffic will come to the website, prospects will be lined up at the door and the company won’t be able to keep up with sales. This is where you start. 

This will give you instant credibility. It taps into the vision and dreams of the business owner or manager. Most clients will be thrilled if you get a fraction of what you promised so promise the world. 

By the way, this is a great way to get pesky IT people off your back. These are the guys who sit at computers figuring out how to make things difficult for marketers. They keep adding in crap like passwords, two-factor authentication, secure pages, and encryption. As you know, marketers hate this stuff. It is just annoying. By promising the world you create this illusion that you are powerful and that you will get them fired whenever you say the word. 

6. Blame Others for Poor Results

If things start to crater refuse to be accountable for anything that goes sideways. If perchance, something doesn't happen according to plan it's obviously not your fault. There are literally hundreds of people that you can blame. Start with competitors - they are unpredictable. If that doesn’t work, move on to blaming programmers, designers, and writers - anyone on the team. You can always blame politicians, local, provincial and federal. Go ahead, blame Trump - everyone else does. He can take the blame.  

By the way, as a last resort don’t forget the client. Most delays are the client’s fault because they didn't follow through on something that you asked them to do. Maybe you sent them an email and they didn’t reply. Or maybe you scheduled a meeting and they cancelled. Find something solid where the client was at fault and use that as evidence of their incompetence. That should get you off the hook.

7. Don’t Worry About Losing Clients

It’s possible that if you follow these simple steps you may lose a few clients. Not to worry. It is unbelievable how many clients are out there who need help. There are thousands. It’s like finding CDs at a flea market. Close your eyes, reach out, and start stuffing them in your bag. Easy. 

Keep blogging, phoning, spamming, and spending money on TikTok or Snapchat. Publish some videos on YouTube while you are driving your Tesla or on vacation in Panama. Sooner rather than later your inbox will be full with prospects offering to throw money at you and begging you to help them. It’s inevitable. 

By the way, if marketing doesn’t work, you can always get a job in sales. I hear that earning a living from commissions is very motivating.